If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave.
My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
My health is good; it's my age that's bad.
He's so old his social security number is two digits.
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
She's too young for Medicare and too old for me to care.
There are three signs of old age: loss of memory ... I forget the other two.
Once my wife gave me a wonderful birthday present. She let me win an argument.
If you want to know how old a woman is . . . ask her sister-in-law.
My wife loves Europe, but to me it's a bad day at a theme park.
Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for movie stars.
It is possible to live in San Francisco for $35,000 a year. Obviously, that doesn't include food or lodging.
Miami bumper sticker: My horn is broken-so watch for my finger.
Flying from the U.S. to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.
France is the only country where the money falls apart and you can't tear the toilet paper.
When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.
My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
My sister says she never seems to get it together . . . either her rear looks good or her face does.