Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
I'm at an age where my back goes out more than I do.
Cleaning your house while your children are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 months teaching them to sit down and shut up.
Housework won't kill you, but then again, why take the chance?
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.