I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.
You know you're getting older when you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.
Enjoy how sweet, how thoughtful, how kind I'm being on your birthday. Because tomorrow it's back to the same old crap.
As one cat said to another: Birthdays are like fur balls - the more you have, the more you gag.
You can live to be a hundred, if you give up all the things that make you want to live to a hundred.
She claims she just turned thirty, but it must have been a U-turn!
She's not pushing forty, she's dragging it.
My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.
Looking fifty is great - if you're sixty.
Middle age is having a choice between two temptations and choosing the one that'll get you home earlier.
For weeks I've been telling him not to buy anything for my birthday, and he still forgot to bring me something.
The age of some women is like the speedometer on a used car - you know it's set back, but you don't know how far.
What can you say when your husband says: 'You can't expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older."
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
Pushing fifty is exercise enough.
After thirty, a body has a mind of its own.
Of all the things I miss, the thing I miss the most is my mind.
My health is good; it's my age that's bad.
I stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
At eighty-eight how do you feel when getting up in the morning? . . . Amazed!