Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.
My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.
It's an awful thing to grow old by yourself. My wife hasn't had a birthday in seven years.
I may be forty, but every morning when I get up, I feel like a twenty-year-old. Unfortunately, there's never one around.
I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.
We're supposed to take our problems to a family adviser. Personally, I've never met a family adviser. They're all off somewhere listening to dirty stories.
I don't want to say anything about my kids . . . but I go to PTA meetings under an assumed name!
Have you noticed when you go on a diet, the first thing you lose is your temper.
"Wait'll next year!" is the favorite cry of baseball fans, football fans, hockey fans, and gardeners.
There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.
Did you ever see that painting the Mona Lisa. It always reminds me of a reporter listening to a politician.
What if the meek inherited the Earth and we had to defend ourselves from Martians?
I don't see why religion and science can't get along. What's wrong with counting our blessings with a computer?
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
Every speaker has a mouth; An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it's filled with wisdom. Sometimes it's filled with feet.
More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems: back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.
I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.
With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they'd bust it to Corporal!
A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.
Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.