Quotes by "Woody Allen"

I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

You can live to be a hundred, if you give up all the things that make you want to live to a hundred.

I'm at the stage of life when if a girl says no to me I'm profoundly grateful to her.

I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers and they are going to make a game out of it.

The best thing to do is to behave in a manner befitting one's age. If you are sixteen and under, try not to go bald.

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

How to make God laugh. Tell him your future plans.

The worst that you can say about him (God) is that basically he's an underachiever.

You want to make God laugh? Tell him your future plans.

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.

If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

If I could only see one miracle, just one miracle. Like a burning bush, or the seas part, or my uncle Sasha pick up a check.

Is sex dirty? Only if it is done right.