I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.
I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .
Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!
Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
