You could do anything in your room at college. You could smoke pot, live in a coed dorm, have a girl. But you couldn't have a . . . hot plate!
My wife loves Europe, but to me it's a bad day at a theme park.
You know who must be very secure in their masculinity? Male ladybugs.
As a politician he does everything to keep out of trouble, often by not asking questions. However, it does bother him that every time the doorbell rings his maid hides in the dryer.
Elections in L.A. are so different. Here you've got politicians with phony smiles making false promises to voters with fake boobs and bad toupees.
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
Al Jazeera aired a new tape of Osama bin Laden. It was the usual stuff, he called Bush evil, the Great Satan, called him a war monger. Basically, the same thing you heard at last night's Democratic debate.
Do you know what White House correspondents call actors who pose as reporters? Anchors.
In America, we like everyone to know about the good work we're doing anonymously.
For the first time ever, overweight people outnumber average people in America. Doesn't that make overweight the average then? Last month you were fat, now you're average - hey, let's get a pizza!
If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.
Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.
The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they're all lining up.
Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.
I didn't realize it was October until I saw the Chicago Cubs choking.
The University of Nebraska says that elderly people that drink beer or wine at least four times a week have the highest bone density. They need it - they're the ones falling down the most.
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
According to New York publishers, Bill Clinton will get more money for his book than Hillary Clinton got for hers. Well, duh. At least his book has some sex in it.
Now, today is the day we honor, of course, the Presidents, ranging from George Washington, who couldn't tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn't tell the truth, to Bill Clinton, who couldn't tell the difference.
