My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.
I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.
Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.'
In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.
I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.
The wife's run off with the bloke next door. I do miss him.
With wives, men hide behind the air of bravado, which is basically a defence mechanism, I think. Clever creatures, women. Very clever.
I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it.
I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir; we're stock-taking.'
My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.
When we were courting, I told my wife: 'I could live in your eyes.' She said: 'You'd be at home; there's a stye in one of them.'
The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week.
Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.
I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum.
I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind.
I'm often accused of saying some pretty rotten things about my mother-in-law. But quite honestly, she's only got one major fault - it's called breathing.
The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'