If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
There's no way that moving in with your parents is a sign that your life is on track.
I was the best man at the wedding. So why is she marrying him?
Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason
Elaine: Ugh, I hate people. Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst.
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here.
I've done a number of Super Bowl ads. And that is the best advertising of the year. That is when people realize they're going to be compared directly against other ads.
When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it.
Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There's entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky.
I wrote an article on a new Porsche for 'Automobile Magazine.' I knew the editor, and she asked me to write this article. So I'm more proud of that than anything.
Pay attention, don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.
When you make a TV show, they always say you're a guest in someone's home. Online, you're a guest in someone's face. So that's why I try to make it sound and look and feel very inviting and attractive, because I know that I'm in your face.
If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years.
Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat.
The Beatles created something that never trailed off. What a gift that was to their fans. If you're into the Beatles, you loved them from beginning to end.
I'm a big believer than a great bit is a great bit - if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they're beautiful things when they're done.
When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.
Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.