The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.
People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
I do a little thing about the way people shake the sweetener packet. You know, like they're all excited. I want to get all the granules down to one end. I love all these rituals.
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.'
The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing.
Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.
I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu.
You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive.
A lot of advertising has gotten worse. I think it's kind of lost its nerve, to be honest with you. I feel like the advertising of the '60s, they were nervier. You know why? Because there was less at stake.
The Internet offers opportunities that are more unique than ever before. With TV, I know I'm making 22 minutes; I know there's a commercial in the middle. With the Internet, no one knows anything. No rules.
Funny is the world I live in. You're funny, I'm interested. You're not funny, I'm not interested.
Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it's my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers.
Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.
We sold 'Seinfeld' all over the world but it was a very specific kind of show. In some countries it went down really well, in others they hated it.
I think of myself more as a sportsman than I do an artist.
If you're a surfer, you just want to surf. You don't know if anyone's going to see you, and you don't really care if they see you. You just live for that feeling.
I prefer the old theaters because the audience is... trapped.
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
When you're in comedy, people always come up and say, 'Oh, it must be so hard.' It really isn't hard unless you're not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy.