Enjoy life. Think of all the women who passed up dessert on the Titanic.
Everybody should believe in something; I believe I'll have another drink.
I know lots more old drunks than old doctors.
I'm a one-drink woman, two at the most, three I'm under the table, four I'm under the host.
My doctor said I look like a million dollars - green and wrinkled.
Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one . . . and got hit by a bus.
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill, he gave me six months more.
I can't believe that out of a hundred thousand sperm, you were the quickest.
I hope you live to be as old as your jokes.
My wife is the most wonderful woman in the world, and that's not just my opinion - it's hers.
she: Before we got married, you told me you were well-off. he: I was, and I didn't know it.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Why did God make man before he made woman? Because he didn't want any advice on how to do it.
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
Macho does not prove mucho.
Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
I was the kind nobody thought could make it. I had a funny Boston accent. I couldn't pronounce my R's. I wasn't a beauty.