I know lots more old drunks than old doctors.
You only live once - but if you work it right, once is enough.
It doesn't matter if you're rich or poor, as long as you've got money.
I play in the low eighties. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.
They had me on the operating table all day. They looked into my stomach, my gall bladder, they examined everything inside of me. Know what they decided? I need glasses.
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
I don't drink any more than the man next to me, and the man next to me is Dean Martin.
A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on.
I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster.
Show me a friend in need and I'll show you a pest.
Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say I'm thirsty, not dirty.
Adlai Stevenson has a genius for saying the right thing, at the right time, to the wrong people.