Quotes Tagged "humor"

He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife.

It can hardly be a coincidence that no language on earth has ever produced the expression, 'As pretty as an airport.

If something is going to happen to me, I want to be there.

Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no fibs.

Carpe Scrotum. Seize life by the testicles

Relax, having kids is years away. But can you imagine? Your brains, my charm, our collective good looks... then add in the usual physical abilities dhampirs get. It's really not even fair to everyone else.

I've always thought people would find a lot more pleasure in their routines if they burst into song at significant moments.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Student: Dr. Einstein, Aren't these the same questions as last year's [physics] final exam? Dr. Einstein: Yes; But this year the answers are different.

In life you'll meet a lot of jerks. If they hurt you, tell yourself that it's because they're stupid. That will help keep you from reacting to their cruelty. Because there is nothing worse than bitterness and vengeance... Always keep your dignity and be true to yourself.

What about a compromise? I’ll kill them first, and if it turns out they were friendly, I’ll apologize.

Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!

Everybody finished the song at different times. At last, only the Weasley twins were left singing along to a very slow funeral march.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I imagine hell like this: Italian punctuality, German humour and English wine.

It's probably a bad indicator of your lifestyle when you miss your ex-boyfriend because he's absolutely lethal.

A gun. I had been brought down by a gun. It was practically comical. Cheaters, I thought.

You wanted to lick my face the first time you saw me? Is that usually what you do when you’re attracted to guys?” I shake my head. “Not your face, your dimple. And no. You’re the only guy I’ve ever had the urge to lick.” He smiles at me confidently. “Good. Because you’re the only girl I’ve ever had the urge to love.

You're only a man! You've not our gifts! I can tell you! Why, a woman can think of a hundred different things at once, all them contradictory!

I try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face.