Quotes Tagged "humor"

I quote others only in order the better to express myself.

Nobody's ever asked me to a party before, as a friend. Is that why you dyed your eyebrow, for the party? Should I do mine too?

Aziraphale collected books. If he were totally honest with himself he would have to have admitted that his bookshop was simply somewhere to store them. He was not unusual in this. In order to maintain his cover as a typical second-hand book seller, he used every means short of actual physical violence to prevent customers from making a purchase. Unpleasant damp smells, glowering looks, erratic opening hours - he was incredibly good at it.

Delaying death is one of my favorite hobbies

What is it with you today?” says Christina on the way to breakfast. Her eyes are still swollen from sleep and her tangled hair forms a fuzzy halo around her face. “Oh, you know,” I say. “Sun shining. Birds chirping.” She raises an eyebrow at me, as if reminding me that we are in an underground tunnel.

This is my knife. It is very sharp and very eager to hurt you.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

This book was written using 100% recycled words.

Procrastinate now, don't put it off.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

...inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened.

Alas! Earwax!

We who think we are about to die will laugh at anything.

It has often been said there’s so much to be read, you never can cram all those words in your head. So the writer who breeds more words than he needs is making a chore for the reader who reads. That's why my belief is the briefer the brief is, the greater the sigh of the reader's relief is. And that's why your books have such power and strength. You publish with shorth! (Shorth is better than length.)

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody come sit next to me.

That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.

They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do just as well — you just realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference.

You're going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater.

I should never be left alone with my mind for too long.

Did you ever want to set someone's head on fire, just to see what it looked like? Did you ever stand in the street and think to yourself, I could make that nun go blind just by giving her a kiss? Did you ever lay out plans for stitching babies and stray cats into a Perfect New Human? Did you ever stand naked surrounded by people who want your gleaming sperm, squirting frankincense, soma and testosterone from every pore? If so, then you're the bastard who stole my drugs Friday night. And I'll find you. Oh, yes.