Quotes Tagged "humor"

Why it's simply impassible! Alice: Why, don't you mean impossible? Door: No, I do mean impassible. (chuckles) Nothing's impossible!

Touch her, and I'll freeze your testicles off and put them in a jar. Understand?

Half of seeming clever is keeping your mouth shut at the right times.

Y'all smoke to enjoy it. I smoke to die.

Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have left to hold onto.

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.

You are the shuckiest shuck faced shuck in the world!

I really can't think about kissing when I've got a rebellion to incite.

There is nothing more luxurious than eating while you read—unless it be reading while you eat. Amabel did both: they are not the same thing, as you will see if you think the matter over.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

[My mom's] funny that way, celebrating special occasions with blue food. I think it's her way of saying anything is possible. Percy can pass seventh grade. Waffles can be blue. Little miracles like that.

Harry — I think I've just understood something! I've got to go to the library!” And she sprinted away, up the stairs. “What does she understand?” said Harry distractedly, still looking around, trying to tell where the voice had come from. “Loads more than I do,” said Ron, shaking his head. “But why’s she got to go to the library?” “Because that’s what Hermione does,” said Ron, shrugging. “When in doubt, go to the library.

Sometimes you just have to pee in the sink.

There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating: people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.

You've got to get obsessed and stay obsessed.