Men are the only animals that devote themselves, day in and day out, to making one another unhappy.
Women have simple tastes. They get pleasure out of the conversation of children in arms and men in love.
Unionism, seldom if ever, uses such powers as it has to ensure better work; almost always it devotes a large part of that power to safeguarding bad work.
You can't do anything about the length of your life, but you can do something about its width and depth.
Truth would quickly cease to be stranger than fiction, once we got as used to it.
When a new source of taxation is found it never means, in practice, that the old source is abandoned. It merely means that the politicians have two ways of milking the taxpayer where they had one before.
I write in order to attain that feeling of tension relieved and function achieved which a cow enjoys on giving milk.
Platitude: an idea (a) that is admitted to be true by everyone, and (b) that is not true.
On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.
Adultery is the application of democracy to love.
Every election is a sort of advance auction sale of stolen goods.
Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband a month before she marries him and what she thinks of him a year afterward, and you will have the truth about him.
No one in this world, so far as I know - and I have searched the records for years, and employed agents to help me - has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people.
The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.
Alimony - the ransom that the happy pay to the devil.
I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing.
To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia - to mistake an ordinary young woman for a goddess.
The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal.
A politician is an animal which can sit on a fence and yet keep both ears to the ground.
It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
