In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.
It is impossible to imagine Goethe or Beethoven being good at billiards or golf.
If women believed in their husbands they would be a good deal happier and also a good deal more foolish.
No man ever quite believes in any other man. One may believe in an idea absolutely, but not in a man.
Immorality: the morality of those who are having a better time.
Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.
It is impossible to imagine the universe run by a wise, just and omnipotent God, but it is quite easy to imagine it run by a board of gods.
Man is always looking for someone to boast to; woman is always looking for a shoulder to put her head on.
The basic fact about human existence is not that it is a tragedy, but that it is a bore. It is not so much a war as an endless standing in line.
The chief contribution of Protestantism to human thought is its massive proof that God is a bore.
A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there.
A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after that he begins to bunch them.
A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.
Let's not burn the universities yet. After all, the damage they do might be worse.
An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.
Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage.
If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner.
Every man sees in his relatives, and especially in his cousins, a series of grotesque caricatures of himself.
Democracy is only a dream: it should be put in the same category as Arcadia, Santa Claus, and Heaven.
The opera is to music what a bawdy house is to a cathedral.
