Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.
From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Humor is reason gone mad.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.
Why, a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child.
One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know.
Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
Before I speak, I have something important to say.