I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up.
Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.
Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.
A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest.
In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.
All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.
Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.
When humor goes, there goes civilization.
Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.
For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.
Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.
Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it.
There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it.
In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.