I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.
I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.
I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.
I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.
Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids.
When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.
There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.
I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.
Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.
There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.
On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.
No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?