Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.
Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.
Never order food in excess of your body weight.
I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.
Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.
A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.
House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.
Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.
Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.
It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.
Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.