In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
Never have more children than you have car windows.
How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?
I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'
Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.