I do benefits for all religions. ... I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.
My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times men would not stop to ask directions.
The Ten Commandments don't tell you what you ought to do: They only put ideas into your head.
Heaven goes by favor; if it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
I generally avoid temptation, unless I can't resist it.
A church is a hospital for sinners, not a museum for saints.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.
I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.
Many families think of church as if it was a convention - they send one delegate.
When something good happens, it's a miracle, and you should wonder what God is saving up for you later.
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.
To all things clergic I am allergic.
It's clear why they only served bread and wine at the Last Supper. It was a potluck . . . organized by men.
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, didn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me.
If I could only see one miracle, just one miracle. Like a burning bush, or the seas part, or my uncle Sasha pick up a check.
If there's a God, why are there such things as famine and The Jerry Springer Show.
The first Sunday I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward.
If you can't be kind, at least be vague.