The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.
For a single woman, preparing for company means wiping the lipstick off the milk carton.
My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times men would not stop to ask directions.
I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.
Now that the Court has declared money to be speech, I say we replace the current Court with some Ben Franklins, Thomas Jeffersons, George Washingtons, a couple of Susan B. Anthony's, Roosevelts, Hamiltons, a Sacajawea or two, and an Abe Lincoln to cover Scalia in full.
As a standup comedian, I've worked almost every New Year's Eve of my adult life. It's the best-paying night of the year.
Turkeys know their names, come when you call, and are totally affectionate. They're better than teenagers.
It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.
When I was growing up in comedy, there were maybe 10 comics in the whole country. Everyone had a day job. You worked free for years in little clubs, then you got your big break and became a star.
My breakup with AT&T is final, and I'm done with Skype as the rebound guy.
I never minded flying cheap. I always said to myself, 'Taking this flight saves enough money to rescue four dogs, or six cats, or will let me make a difference to the one woman saving chimps in Cameroon.'
I don't categorize myself. I don't think I'm perceived as a female act by my audience. My fans include just as many men as women.
When I played the Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas on New Year's Eve, I got to bring Wiley, my 85-pound black lab. He's responsible for my favorite New Year's memory of all: At the end of the show, he ran onstage and then out across all the tables in the showroom, sending champagne glasses and gamblers flying.
While editors and newspaper owners currently fret over shrinking readership and lost profits, they do the one thing that insures cutting their own throats; they keep reducing space for the one feature that attracts new young readers in the first place; the comic strips.
We've seen the uproars around the world concerning cartoons depicting the prophet Mohammad. Anyone who does not think comic strips are relevant never had a fatwa put on him/her for drawing a picture.
I have no complaints about losing money I put in high-risk investments. I did some of that when I had real money; my informed choice, my measured gamble.
Wouldn't it be great to see a line in all movie credits that truthfully says, 'Nobody was harmed in the making of this film, and at the cast party, all animals got a belly belly belly rub.'
I deliver very traditionally, and people aren't threatened. I think if I cursed or seemed wilder, I couldn't get away with the amount of very opinionated politics I get away with.
You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.
I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It's not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike lock or your private community. It's the key to order, sanity, and peace of mind. The key is 'Delete.'