In America there are two classes of travel - first class and with children.
The best thing to do is to behave in a manner befitting one's age. If you are sixteen and under, try not to go bald.
I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.
Family is just accident. . . . They don't mean to get on your nerves. They don't even mean to be your family, they just are.
My father told me marijuana would cause me brain damage - because if he caught me doing it he was going to break my head.
We're supposed to take our problems to a family adviser. Personally, I've never met a family adviser. They're all off somewhere listening to dirty stories.
Have children while your parents are still young enough to take care of them.
Let's face it, there's lots of spoiled kids out there . . . because you can't spank Grandma.
Family life got better and we got our car back - as soon as we put "I love Mom" on the license plate.
You know your children are growing up when they stop asking where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes - and six months later you have to start all over again.
I don't want to say anything about my kids . . . but I go to PTA meetings under an assumed name!
The Jewish man with parents still alive is a fifteen-year-old boy and will remain a fifteen-year-old boy until they die.
Few mistakes can be made by a mother-in-law who is willing to baby-sit.
Adolescence is when children start trying to bring up their parents.
Adults are just children who earn money.
I read one psychologist's theory that said, "Never strike a child in your anger." When could I strike him? When he is kissing me on my birthday? When he's recuperating from measles? Do I slap the Bible out of his hand on Sunday?
It takes about five years for a walnut tree to produce nuts, but this is not true of a family tree.
My father never raised his hand to any one of his children - except in self-defense.
To encourage my little kid to eat I'd sometimes say: "Just pretend it's sand."
