In America there are two classes of travel - first class and with children.
I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
Go jogging? And get hit by a meteor?
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.
The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.
The only cure for a real hangover is death.
It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
Great literature must spring from an upheaval in the author's soul. If that upheaval is not present then it must come from the works of any other author which happens to be handy and easily adapted.
An ardent supporter of the hometown team should go to a game prepared to take offense, no matter what happens.
The biggest obstacle to professional writing is the necessity for changing a typewriter ribbon.
For a nation which has an almost evil reputation for bustle, bustle, bustle, and rush, rush, rush, we spend an enormous amount of time standing around in line in front of windows, just waiting.
We call ourselves a free nation, and yet we let ourselves be told what cabs we can and can't take by a man at a hotel door, simply because he has a drum major's uniform on.
Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with that it's compounding a felony.
I have been told by hospital authorities that more copies of my works are left behind by departing patients than those of any other author.
Nothing makes a man feel older than to hear a band coming up the street and not to have the impulse to rush downstairs and out on to the sidewalk.
In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children.
The freelance writer is a man who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.
A real hangover is nothing to try out family remedies on. The only cure for a real hangover is death.
Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?