Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.
Sis, I've been wondering . . . On my birthday mom always gives me five thousand dollars. How much does she give you?
My kid asked if he could borrow ten dollars. When I only gave him five dollars he said, "Okay, since you owe me the other five dollars, we'll call it even."
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Never lend your car to someone you've given birth to.
We were so poor we had no hot water. But it didn't matter because we had no bathtub to put it in anyway.
In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
Home is the place, when you have to go there, they have to take you in.
I love being a great-grandparent, but what I hate is being the the mother of a grandparent.
I want you to know how I feel about my Italian heritage, so I'd like to say a few words in Italian: Verdi, Pavarotti, DiMaggio, Valentino, De Niro, Giuliani. . .
A child prodigy is one with highly imaginative parents.
I've just been to a debutant ball where all the girls were wearing low-cut gowns. It's clear why they're called coming out parties.
When I reprimanded my son for hair like Michael Jackson, he said: "I don't see the problem you wear yours like Michael Jordan."
Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.
Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.
Keep in mind ... to a dog you are family, to a cat you are staff.
There is little less trouble in governing a private family than a whole kingdom.
None but a mule denies his family.
That's what people do who love you. They put their arms around you and love you when you're not so lovable.
I may not always be with you But when we're far apart Remember you will be with me Right inside my heart