Quotes Tagged "humor"

I'm not a psychopath, I'm a high-functioning sociopath. Do your research.

Definition of rock journalism: People who can't write, doing interviews with people who can't think, in order to prepare articles for people who can't read.

What's the whole point of being pretty on the outside when you’re so ugly on the inside?

To summarize the summary of the summary: people are a problem.

Did you ever wonder if the person in the puddle is real, and you're just a reflection of him?

Don't forget to give Neville our love!' Ginny told James as she hugged him. 'Mum! I can't give a professor love!' 'But you know Neville-' James rolled his eyes. 'Outside, yeah, but at school he's Professor Longbottom, isn't he? I can't walk into Herbology and give him love....

I think it's kinda nice.' And I did. my mom isn't famous for her pies. No, she's famous for defusing a nuclear device in Brussels with only a pair of cuticle scissors and a ponytail holder. Somehow, at the moment, pies seemed cooler.

You backbiting, poisonous, treacherous, deceitful, wicked, clever girl. If this works I'll buy you a pony.

Let's be reasonable and add an eighth day to the week that is devoted exclusively to reading.

Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.

As for monkeys, I would have five, and they would be named: See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil, Do Pretty Much Whatever The Hell You Want, and Expensive Attorney.

Just remember, when you’re over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.

Dude, I don’t want to talk about Lacey’s prom shoes. And I’ll tell you why: I have this thing that makes me really uninterested in prom shoes. It’s called a penis.

Actually, I was the very lowest ranked member of the crew. I would only be “in command” if I were the only remaining person.” What do you know? I’m in command

You're the queen, and it's the queen's house, and whatever Brigan may accomplish, he's highly unlikely ever to be queen.

Freddie experienced the sort of abysmal soul-sadness which afflicts one of Tolstoy's Russian peasants when, after putting in a heavy day's work strangling his father, beating his wife, and dropping the baby into the city's reservoir, he turns to the cupboards, only to find the vodka bottle empty.

Artemis felt like he was six again and caught hacking the school computers trying to make the test questions harder

You have something on your neck. What Looks like a bite mark, what were you doing out all night, anyway? Nothing. I went walking in the park. Tried to clear my head. And ran into a vampire What? No! I fell. On your neck?

Well, that's an evil smile...

Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something