I read about eight newspapers in a day. When I'm in a town with only one newspaper, I read it eight times.
A fool and his money are soon elected.
There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
In Hollywood the woods are full of people that learned to write but evidently can't read. If they could read their stuff, they'd stop writing.
I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
The farmer has to be an optimist or he wouldn't still be a farmer.
In Hollywood you can see things at night that are fast enough to be in the Olympics in the day time.
People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing.
You've got to go out on a limb sometimes because that's where the fruit is.
A remark generally hurts in proportion to its truth.
It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.
The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf.
Last year we said, 'Things can't go on like this', and they didn't, they got worse.
People are getting smarter nowadays; they are letting lawyers, instead of their conscience, be their guide.
Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.
Being a hero is about the shortest-lived profession on earth.
This thing of being a hero, about the main thing to it is to know when to die.
A difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and missionaries.
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
