I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
When asked to borrow money: "I'll see what my lawyer says. . . . And if he says yes, I'll get another lawyer."
If at first you don't succeed, try, try, again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.
It was a woman who drove me to drink - and, you know, I never even thanked her.
Women are like elephants. They are interesting to look at, but I wouldn't like to own one.
Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.
I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.
All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
I must have a drink of breakfast.
The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.