I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.
Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.
I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.
Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
I like children - fried.
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.
Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.
It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.
The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
I'd like to see Paris before I die... Philadelphia will do.
I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.
If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.