Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.
Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.
Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?
Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.
You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.
The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.
I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.
Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.