I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?'
Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'
It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?'
My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'
I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
