My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't.
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'
Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them.
Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh.
To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.