Quotes Tagged "humor"

Common sense is the most widely shared commodity in the world, for every man is convinced that he is well supplied with it.

I don't really like coffee, she said, but I don't really like it when my head hits my desk when I fall asleep either.

I'd made the vampire cry. Great. I felt like a real superhero. Harry Dresden, breaker of monsters' hearts.

Garcia wondered why people with JESUS stickers on their bumper always drove twenty miles per hour under the speed limit. If God was my co-pilot, he thought, I'd be doing a hundred and twenty.

I'm calling it the Watney Triangle because after what I've been through, shit on Mars should be named after me.

Because sometimes you just have to dance like a madman in the Self-Help section of your local bookstore.

Bishop was all done with the witty conversation. 'Will you swear?' And Myrnin said, shockingly, 'I will.' And he proceeded to, a string of swearwords that made Claire blink. He ended with, '—frothy fool-born apple-john! Cheater of vandals and defiler of dead dogs!' and did another twirl and bow. He looked up with a red, red grin that was more like a leer. 'Is that what you meant, my lord?

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

See? Injustice. Here we are, risking our lives to rescue Kai and this whole planet, and Adri and Pearl get to go to the royal wedding. I’m disgusted. I hope they spill soy sauce on their fancy dresses.” Jacin’s concern turned fast to annoyance. “Your ship has some messed-up priorities, you know that?” “Iko. My name is Iko. If you don’t stop calling me the ‘ship,’ I am going to make sure you never have hot water during your showers again, do you understand me?” “Yeah, hold that thought while I go disable the speaker system.” “What? You can’t mute me. Cinder!

Every year, many, many stupid people graduate from college. And if they can do it, so can you.

You're an investigator - can't nobody find stuff out like a woman. Y'all put the police to shame, make the little investigative tricks they show on CSI and Law & Order: SVU look like counting lessons on Sesame Street.

Chocolate is God's apology for brocolli

A successful book is not made of what is in it, but what is left out of it.

The true New Yorker secretly believes that people living anywhere else have to be, in some sense, kidding.

A dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest.

When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.

The thing I hate the most about advertising is that it attracts all the bright, creative and ambitious young people, leaving us mainly with the slow and self-obsessed to become our artists.. Modern art is a disaster area. Never in the field of human history has so much been used by so many to say so little.

I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.

When someone leaves you, apart from missing them, apart from the fact that the whole little world you've created together collapses, and that everything you see or do reminds you of them, the worst is the thought that they tried you out and, in the end, the whole sum of parts adds up to you got stamped REJECT by the one you love. How can you not be left with the personal confidence of a passed over British Rail sandwich?