My brain is like a cross between a colander and a Lazy Susan - thin, slow, and it leaks.
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
I was talking to a guy who was holding his 18-month-old daughter with the only limb he had left, and he had a smile on his face. I thought, 'I'm not even a 10th of this man.'
I loved listening to laughter even as a little kid.
We always go out looking for live music after our shows.
The only way to stay sharp is to do live shows. There is no part-time comedy.
The Majestic Theatre in San Antone is as good as it gets.
You can tell on-stage when a joke's starting to lose its pop. It doesn't mean people don't want to hear it anymore; it means I don't want to do it anymore. Because I want to move on to something that has a knee-jerk reaction just like you get when you tell somebody a joke that they've never heard.
Donald Trump - and I don't dislike Donald one single bit - has no idea how good the Mexican people are at building tunnels.
I go to more open mic nights than open mikers.
Comedy is great because there's no overhead.
Comedy is all about the pause.
I was considered by my peers to be a good comedian. So that's all I ever strived to do was get some recognition from my peers.
I don't do talk shows or go on Dr. Phil's show. He's a friend of mine, and, no, he doesn't give me any advice. He doesn't give solicited advice.
Here's how I operate. When I see something I like, 20 years later, I ask her brother for her phone number. She don't even see me coming.
There's not a pill you can take; there's not a class you can go to. Stupid is forever.
I was a little one-trick pony. I do what I've always done. That's really where my best stuff comes from. I don't know how it happens. It just happens.
There have been times when I played more than others, but I've been a road comic for a quarter of a century, so I've always played golf on the road because you have a lot of time to kill.
That's the beauty of being a straight-to-DVD star. It really helps you stay under the media's radar.
I have a very fun life. I don't recommend it for anybody else, but it sure has been fun for me.
