I don't think we have a surplus of fine educators in this country that we can just start dropping them for no reason whatsoever.
But I work harder now because I have so much more exposure. And actually the harder you work as a writer, the better you get at it. It's like anything else. It's a muscle you have to exercise. I write more now than ever.
My shows are not all-the-way filthy, but they can be.
I was always a funny guy. I don't think anybody that makes it to this level of stand-up wasn't a funny guy when they were young.
I could do no wrong in my mother's eyes from the day I was born. My fans bought her a very nice house in San Antonio, and she has a great life.
I would have rather been beat by a plumber than Kathy Griffin.
If I sit down to write a joke about, whatever, the polluted Gulf of Mexico, it comes out mundane to me.
I believe that a bad Super Bowl halftime show is still better than a soccer game.
You wanna get the truth out of me, get me hammered.
TV is a hard job. You work 15 hours a day. People tell you what to do. I hate to do it.
If I see someone out there mouthing the words to a bit, I'm not having fun.
When I was about 12 years old back in Houston, my Dad used to take us to the driving range.
I was so in love with the idea of making people laugh for a living that I didn't care what I had to do to get there. Or how much money I was going to make when I did get there.
I was a huge fan of comedy when I was a child.
People used to say I'm regional, but I'm not... We all have the same human condition.
I've got a great cigar collection - it's actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn't going to smoke every last one of 'em.
My uncle was a preacher, and I used to go watch him preach. He was also funny, so I'm very 'preacher-ish' on stage, not by intent but because that's where I learned to talk in front of people.
As long as I stay engaged with everybody else, then I'll create more comedy. It's just when I shut off and stay at home... What helps me is just to keep moving.
I don't have a specific plan except for as long as people want to listen to me talk, I'm going to keep talking. I can't imagine a life without doing standup.
The hardest that I've laughed at a movie was probably Team America. I laughed 'til I thought I was just gonna throw up. I almost had to turn it off.