A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills - no, no. They'd make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while.
I bought one of the first Nintendo systems and brought that home, and we were playing 'Legend of Zelda' at the time, and it was addicting, and I was playing it for hours and hours and hours.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.
Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work!
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Comedy can be a cathartic way to deal with personal trauma.
No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.
I was only a leading man for a minute; now I'm a character actor.
Performing comedy in San Francisco to begin with is pretty wild. You've got to - you've got the human game preserve to play off of. And it's a lot of great characters everywhere. You work off that, and then you play the rooms, and eventually you get to a point where you're playing a club that is a comedy club, with other comics.
When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?
Carpe per diem - seize the check.
I have an idea for a movie called 'The Walken Dead' which is about a town where, instead of zombies, everyone becomes Chris Walken.
We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
I don't have a college degree, and my father didn't have a college degree, so when my son, Zachary, graduated from college, I said, 'My boy's got learnin'!'
I started doing comedy because that was the only stage that I could find. It was the pure idea of being on stage. That was the only thing that interested me, along with learning the craft and working, and just being in productions with people.
In the process of looking for comedy, you have to be deeply honest. And in doing that, you'll find out here's the other side. You'll be looking under the rock occasionally for the laughter.
Reality: What a concept!
Tweets? That stuff kills conversation. And people taking pictures with their phone or recording you, sometimes surreptitiously, is creepy. They come up and just start talking to you, and you can see the red light on their phone.
Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.
