I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.
I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.
But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.
And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.
There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.
People only have so much attention.
It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.
I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'
Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.
I got into stand-up because I love stand-up. Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punch line.
Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.
Usually, my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it.
Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.
I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.
I never set out to do a sketch show.
Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television.
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
I'd love to win trophies, be in movies, have a body of work I'm proud of and find a way to enjoy it along the way. Success is probably a more of a complicated thing than that.
I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me that way. I've definitely done time in the friend zone.
