Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.
Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.
What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
Panicky despair is an underrated element of writing.
Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!
The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.
The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.
Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.
American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps.
Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything.
I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.
Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.
Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.