Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
Hermits have no peer pressure.
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up.
It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.
My secret to staying young... Having no sense of time.
How young can you die of old age?
I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
