Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.
When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
Electricity is really just organized lightning.