My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.
Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.
Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.
Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'
Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.'
People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.
I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.
England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.
