A man is only as faithful as his options.
Welcome to the 77th and last Oscars.
Anything I say about women, I try to make sure that at least five or six friends of mine are going through a similar situation. That way I'm not picking on my wife.
I can't cook, but I have a nice book of menus... and I can plate and set the table.
I kind of keep my personality in my pocket a lot. When I start to do stand-up, that's not my true personality either. It's the personality of a guy who hasn't been able to say what he wanted to say.
Pretty girls have problems too.
Jokes rot. They're not like songs. I always envy singers - Sting is always going to sing 'Roxanne'. But people want to hear new jokes. I've written jokes as good as 'Roxanne', I believe. But I can't tell them again.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
Anything you can suck at should make you nervous.
Comedy is a group activity, a verbal orgy.
The key to staying together is making sure you guys like each other and need each other.
