You look at, like, a 'People' magazine, which used to be a really good, you know, nice magazine you could go to for real stories. It wasn't like a 'Star' or an 'US Weekly' and they have somebody with plastic surgery on the cover, Heidi Montag. And it's obviously what consumers want, because why else would they be doing it?
That's my biggest struggle, is maintaining a personal romantic relationship. It takes a lot of effort.
Once you've achieved success, and you're making decisions that are working, I don't understand why anyone would be second-guessing themselves.
I started my own business because my parents had no dowry for me, and I was worried. I ran it from their Martha Vineyard's summer house. I baby-sat for a 14-year-old boy all summer and was giving him time-outs, even though I was two years younger than him.
Have you ever been sued by a midget? It's not fun.
I try to make fun of everyone as often as possible, especially minorities.
Everything isn't permanent, so don't pretend that it is. Everything's supposed to move and shift.
I definitely don't want to have kids. I don't think I'd be a great mother. I don't want to have a kid and have it raised by a nanny. I don't have the time to raise a child.
Great guys exist. They may not be in the package you think you like, and they may not come when you feel you deserve them the most, but they're there. I believe it. You should too. Because now I'm with someone who makes me grow every day. His name is Netflix.
My standup is observational, but it's self-observational, and it's self-deprecating, definitely.
Can you imagine peaking as a teen? I think if you peak in high school, there's a problem. That's what my sister always said: 'Don't worry, you'll peak later.'
It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself.
I don't like speaking publicly when I don't have to be funny.
I'm really into the human interest thing. I really like regular people.
I remember having a conversation with my sister, saying, 'What if I don't make it? What if I'm still waiting tables when I'm 35?' I was just at the end of my rope. But I've been at the end of that rope several times.
I'm not superstitious at all. I'm not a Russian.
I love Sandra Bullock. I think everybody loves her.
Some people think Hollywood is shallow. I find that it's home.
In a relationship, the sum of your parts should equal more than just you by yourself. He needs to bring something new and different to the table to up the ante.
