I like to celebrate my life. I have a life that I'm really lucky to have, and so I want to make sure every minute counts and that I go on great vacations and I share my memories with people that I love and that will make me laugh and lalalalalala.
I cannot be Mary Hart - or even worse, Samantha Harris - and stand there with my hip out talking about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes taking Suri to an art museum without making fun of it.
Some people have a phobia of midgets. They're, like, scared of them. I have the opposite - I see them, and I want to hold them down, cuddle them, be like, 'Come here, you little nugget. Who's your mommy now?' So cute!
I have a huge impact with young girls. Young women. That's my demographic.
I have always maintained a strong opposition to marriage because I would have to be in serious denial to pretend I wasn't born with a personality for divorce. Whatever the opposite of amicable is, that's how my breakups tend to play out.
My position as the best-selling author at E! is secure - unless Salman Rushdie develops a show with them.
I'm a devilish kind of person, but I embrace it. I don't try to fight it. It's proven very well for me.
You can act, or you can't. I'm sure a lot of people who are serious about acting would disagree, but I'm not really worried about them.
Some men are just disgusted with me and think I should have my mouth sewn shut.
TMZ is so disgusting.
The next step for me is not 'The Tonight Show.' That's a job for Jimmy Fallon. I'm way too divisive for a show like that.
People are following me because they want to see pictures of me. So why is Instagram editing them?
I wanted to be famous. It's embarrassing to admit, but I came out to L.A. thinking it would happen in no time. I thought, 'Once they see me, they'll be so glad I came.' I always had a ridiculous amount of self-confidence about what was going to happen to me.
I do think about marriage, but it's not the end-all goal.
Stand-up was my entree into the entertainment world. I didn't have to act out somebody else's words. I could just stand there with a microphone, and nobody would interrupt me. It's the most narcissistic thing you could probably do.
If you're a member of my family, whether immediate or extended, and you want to see my show, don't.
The love that comes from friendship is the underlying facet of a happy life.
I'm not trying to be a role model to kids, because I don't have any children, but I do think everyone should have a free spirit.
You can't have friendships that aren't based on realness.
Anyone who's married to Mariah Carey - I'm pretty sure - doesn't have a great sense of humor. I mean, let's be honest: she's ridiculous. What is her game plan?
