It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.
There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding's a mystery to me now. You can't go back, your life changes every day.
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
I don't understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I'm amazed what people come up with when they look at them. There's one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything.
Heckling is an act of cowardice. If you want to speak, get up in front of the microphone and speak, don't sit in the dark hiding. It's easy to hide and shout and waste people's time.
I don't aim to offend.
I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It's something they reserve just for me.
Don't tell me how to do my job. I don't come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.
My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
