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They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can't even smoke in bed.

I'd never have a facelift, as I have never seen one that looks good.

All greatest love affairs transform into stories.

Even though I believe in mass social movements, I'm uncomfortable in crowds.

I guess standup is really painting pictures with words - especially for me, as I describe quite fantastical, visual things. My art teacher, Dexter Dalwood, always seemed to think they were linked. We bonded over our love of Vic Reeves.

I grew up in Wisconsin loving hockey. I mean, I started when I was three years old on skates.

Frankly, Governor Romney in his career has created more jobs than the entire Obama cabinet combined, so he could actually talk about it.

And when I stand in the receiving line like Jackie Kennedy without the pillbox hat, if Jackie were fat and had taken enough Klonopin to still an ox, and you whisper I think of you every day, don't finish with because I've been going to Weight Watchers on Tuesdays and wonder if you want to go too.

Whereas you have someone like Houdini, who works really, really hard to get really, really famous, and then has actual intellectual ideas that he puts into the culture that stay there.

One nice thing about making jokes is that you don't have to prove them.

Death is not only an unusually severe punishment, unusual in its pain, in its finality and in its enormity, but is serves no penal purpose more effectively than a less severe punishment.

In writing the history of a disease, every philosophical hypothesis whatsoever, that has previously occupied the mind of the author, should lie in abeyance.

All the music I loved as a child, people thought it was junk. People were unaware of the subtext in so many of those records, but if you were a kid, you were just completely tuned in, even though you didn't always say - you wouldn't dare say it was beautiful.

The greatest height of heroism to which an individual, like a people, can attain is to know how to face ridicule.

Private enterprise cannot rebuild the nation's infrastructure or keep our research institutions vibrant. Government must do what only it can do.

He who begins many things finishes but few.

Falling down doesn't matter, even if you do it a hundred times. All that matters is that you get up again.

You can’t confuse childlike faith with childish thinking.

Citizens' rights cannot be protected if their digital activities are governed and policed by opaque and publicly unaccountable corporate mechanisms.

I've got an awesome career happening, and I absolutely am so stoked with how it's all worked out.