I think remorse ought to stop biting the consciences that feed it.
The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late.
Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny - Did you ever try buying them without money?
Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker.
There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all.
Too clever is dumb.
Every Englishman is convinced of one thing, viz.: That to be an Englishman is to belong to the most exclusive club there is.
Commitments the voters don't know about can't hurt you.
A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.
The cow is of the bovine ilk; one end is moo, the other milk.
Every New Year is the direct descendant, isn't it, of a long line of proven criminals?
To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up.
I have an idea that the phrase 'weaker sex' was coined by some woman to disarm the man she was preparing to overwhelm.
If you don't want to work you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work.
I do not like to get the news, because there has never been an era when so many things were going so right for so many of the wrong persons.
People who have what they want are fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they really don't want it.
The only people who should really sin are the people who can sin and grin.
Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore.
Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore, and that's what parents were created for.
Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
