Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
We're more effective than birth control pills.
Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
To be an entertainer, you gotta be a little gutsy, a little egotistical, so you have to pull back sometimes when people say, 'Well, he's stuck-up.' 'Stuck-up' is only another word for self-conscious.
People will pay more to be entertained than educated.
Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.
For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'
I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.
Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.
The mind starts to do things that you didn't even realize it could do. I suppose it's the manipulation. I suppose it's the sense of power, the center of attention, and the me-ism. And performers have to have that.
Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
I was going to hang it up on the twenty-fifth year of this show. I don't know why. Maybe twenty-five years is enough. And I found out that I was having so much fun doing the show that we decided to stick around for a while.
If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
When turkeys mate they think of swans.
Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.
